marvel, agent carter

mermaid88


If Books Were Movies...

They'd have to kick me out of the theater.


just a note to say i stopped by here today :)
marvel, agent carter
mermaid88

  • Lynn's post RE: kids talking about reincarnation/lost siblings-- i remember my pastor back in NY talking about dream interpretation. He mentioned that sometimes when you dream about something from a second person pov, it may really be you.

  • i have a job interview monday!

  • i think i know what i want to be when i "grow up"-- a research scientist. i'm not sure which area I want to work in but I'm willing to try all of them and see. Why is this what i wanna do? because i already do it myself, to a (far lesser) degree. I like looking up information for my parents regarding grandma, or something for myself. and sometimes i fall into a rabbit hole doing all this looking up stuff.

  • speaking of grandma--we have put her in a nursing care facility. at the beginning of the new year, she stopped being able to stand up on her own. even with us propping her up, she was still just rubber-legged. so transporting her to her commode or lifting her to dress her put a lot of stress on our bodies; mom pulled her shoulder, and dad's already got back problems, and I'm barely 100lbs soaking wet myself, so there's no way i could lift her on my own. She also stopped being able to feed herself, and she was slurring her words. the hospice worker that would come for an hour 3x a week told us grandma was ready to pass away. which makes it so bizarre--once she got into the nursing facility, now, she goes back and forth being able to feed herself and needing to be fed. one day we went to visit, and she was standing at the door to her room, having got out of bed and walked herself to her door! and then the next day we go to see her and she's rubber-bodied again and couldn't help the nurses there lift her from her chair to her bed.


merrry christmas to those who celebrate!!!!
marvel, agent carter
mermaid88
my two favorites:  these awsome black ankle boots that make the click-clack sound when i walk and an off-white jumpsuit just because I like the way I look in jumpsuits.

wow no posts?
marvel, agent carter
mermaid88
as in, I checked my "friends" pages and it didn't go beyond the first page. When I hit "next page" there was nothing there.

ANYways. not a whole lot to talk about; today's mom's birthday. dad and I got her a cake (but I forgot to ask what it was inside and it turned out to be marble; mom likes white cake.) with pink swirled frosting and sparkles. Yes I liked it solely based on looks.

My niece is pregnant!!!!! but I'm the only one in our immediate family (other than her mom and her mom's boyfriend) that knows, because last time she was pregnant, my mom said some not so nice things about it, and even when Niece miscarried, mom still had Words about it. So I'm thrilled for her, but it's also given us a chance to get back in to contact with each other. We were thisclose as kids, being 2-3 years apart but grew apart as we grew up (probaly due to our moms' differing parenting styles). Last Wednesday, she sent a recording of her last sonogram!

Thanksgiving went well til that night. Mom didn't do traditional turkey either, Lynn82, she crockpotted a lamb. good lord it smelled so good. Then the day after, our cousin that used to live across the freeway from us (but moved earlier this year) came to visit. She and her granddaughter were planning to Black Friday shop at the local outlet mall, and stopped here along the way. And that night, my cousin and her boyfriend and their new baby came! we've been Facebook VideoChat-ing, and she was hoping to make it here to let us meet the baby in person. He is sooooo cute. He's like one of those Baby Alive dolls.

I've officially started Christmas shopping. my dad gave me some money, and it looks like I won't use it all up cause I'm averaging about $15-$20 per person (one big gift and then stocking stuffers), so I'm hoping to put at least half of that in my bank account! Mom caved and bought a fake tree this year cause she's sick of the needles from the real trees we've been getting.

All I want for christmas this year is a can of those Danish butter cookies. At the warehouse stores, they have them with at least 3 or 4 layers.

(no subject)
marvel, agent carter
mermaid88

  • I almost had a job. It was at one of my top places I'd like to work at! then I got trapped in the mall's parking garage that I never use and never made the interview because I was already half an hour late. Mom closed her eyes and went "lalaala" at my sad feelings about it and pretended they didn't exist. Then when I spent a week isolated in my room she gave me a fake apology and got me out.

  • How do I know it was fake? cause she bitched me out about having feelings again, today. she asked me to fix something for grandma, and i sighed, because that never goes well. NEVER. Mom always finds something that i didn't do right, so i was expecting it. then I got bitched out for kinda standing up for myself, while mom claimed no one ever validates her. Right; her husband is automatic built-in validation; they have the Authoritive parenting style, so they'd back each other up just to show their dominance, never mind if either of them is actually right or not.

  • I've decided to give up on looking for work. one of their main trash-talk conversations was about how I can "be mean" to them, except for when I want something from them, if i got a job or just an interview, I'd have to ask for a ride to the place, and then they'll throw everything in my face, how last time i "had a meltdown" and stayed in my room when it didn't go my way* and oh, now she wants something from us!

*"didn't go my way": according to them. the real reason, again, is because i spent the rest of that day having my emotions denied, literally, I said "I feel __" and she told me "NO YOU DON'T"; and was trash talked the whole day and wasn't allowed to walk away from it until she was ready to let me.

  • "having a meltdown" started out being a good way to describe my feelings when they've been mashed down for so long because my parents shut me down when I show any upset but they won't stay down anymore, but now my parents use it to invalidate what I feel. ie, if I show ANY emotion towards something they've said/done, [eyeroll] "ohh, she's having a meltdown!" and it makes me even angrier.

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there's been several things I said to myself "oh i should lj about this" and just, didn't, and I've
marvel, agent carter
mermaid88
...forgotten about them by now, but I still thought I should lj even if just to let the lj mods know I still go here, lol.

So. Still jobless. Still getting told to "sit my skinny ass down and shut up" by my grandma. Mom's still acting like herself (me: [tells her i'm broke]  mom: go buy a jug of milk  me: [stares off into the distance]). Still ready for Fall/winter although I'm broke so I don't know what I'm doing for christmas gifts this year. Today's the first day since Fall started that it actually feels like it could be Fall; it's stupid windy outside, so even if the temp goes up we can't open the windows for real air unless we want a wind tunnel. BUT because of the wind, it's about 15F degrees cooler than predicted. So that's nice.

"i didn't get the job" and other stories
marvel, agent carter
mermaid88

nor did i get any of the other jobs i put applications in at. My thought is that they'd much rather have a 16yo who just got their first summer job this year, rather than me, a 30yo with no experience whatsoever (where I was before doesn't count because I quit, and there's no way to spin that in a good way). There's plenty of businesses in my small area, but I'm running out of places to apply to because only a few are actually hiring, and they all rejected me. And yet. The same places that told me NO, still have more of the same position available. I'm really discouraged by this; I'm beginning to feel like "why bother", because my dad apparently thinks even if I got a job I won't keep it, and even if my parents DO leave me a house/car/whatever when they pass, I won't be able to keep that, because I won't have any money because I won't have a job because no one will want a 50yo with no experience. I had a really good cry about this last night, and I went to bed early. I had planned on staying in my room moping about it all day but this morning I tried to do the whole "it's a new day let's start fresh", but now I'm almost back in that same hole as last night cause now there's nowhere else in my area to apply to.

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feelin' "fall" as frick right now!
marvel, agent carter
mermaid88
In order of importance, not chronologically:
1) THE HOUSE GUESTS ARE GONE. they left two weeks into August.
2) I had a job interview today!!!! hopefully all goes well.
3) My birthday went well, I got a hundred dollars from my parents, a "it's my birthday!!" badge from grandma, and some nail polish and a purse from the lady that had moved in with us.
4) I'm ready for Fall. I had my Official First pumpkin spice latte Saturday morning. It tasted like cooler weather and insects gone hibernating. Quaker has pumpkin spice oatmeal, there's pumpkin spice and apple spice granola bars. And I'm trawling through Fall tumblrs.
5) I can braid my own hair, up, now. I've wanted to be able to do this for a long time, because I'd seen some youtube tutorial where a girl french braided her hair up instead of down like normal. But I forgot what you do when you get to the end, cause I imagine with long hair you can probaly just leave the rest hanging in a ponytail, but with my short, coarse hair, not so much.

things are looking up (birthday-wise)
marvel, agent carter
mermaid88
Usually every year is people asking what I'm going to do and I have no real answer for them because my parents don't do parties anymore and I had a lack of people to do things I'd like to do with, so I usually wind up wearing a party hat and eat cake and ice cream (which is alright, i like cake and ice cream) with my family.
THIS YEAR IS DIFFERENT! my Friend that I hang out with at church wants to take me out for Wing Stop and my mom gifted me tickets to see Spider-Man: Homecoming. Also there's going to be the usual cake and ice cream while wearing party hats that make us look ridiculous. This is the most Plans I've had in awhile, and I'm psyched.

Update to talk I had with my parents
marvel, agent carter
mermaid88
well I couldn't say I didn't see it coming, but they denied having ANY involvement in me not working. My mother says I'm not working/driving/being independent because I don't pray and read the Bible enough. But the catch is, that it's "not enough" for her. So going by her standards, I could be a world-renowned televangelist and everyone loves me, and she'd still say I don't read the Bible and pray enough. So I've taken a sort-of sarcastic response to things; since they're not part of the problem, then there should be no problems with me getting back and forth to work once I start. :sarcastic smile: (But I am still trying to be considerate, as I'm still applying to jobs within our small area of town. So my list of "places to apply that I haven't before" is getting smaller. But then again, there's only two places that I actually got responses from that I didn't reply back to myself because it was right during the time my parents told me they'd be no help.)
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work, transport, therapy, people that mom moved in with us
marvel, agent carter
mermaid88
First, a bit of news on the work/transportation front:
last week, the idea had been floating around in my head that maybe I should take my parents' reasons why I'm not working/looking for work and bring them up to my parents like they're worries that I came up with myself. For example, dad said he won't take me/pick me up because he didn't like waiting. But so I'm not giving them room to deny he ever said that, I say instead something like "I want to start looking for work again, but I'm worried that there's going to be days when dad's not feeling well enough to be up to drive". Or, more legit, mom's sciatica, or that she's taking care of my grandma; so I'd say something like "[previous sentence, but add on]...but I'm worried that mom's leg will act up, or grandma will need her right at the time I'm supposed to be leaving/she's supposed to pick me up." Basically the most important thing is to make sure I'm NOT saying they said ANYthing, because they will deny that they said it and then berate me for "lying" and saying they said that. ANYway. I had a session with my therapist the other day, and she thinks it's an idea worth trying. So now I've got low-key anxiety over actually bringing it up. When, and how. How do I separate myself from it enough so that when they do talk about it to each other (cause that's a given no matter what), it doesn't hurt because I can remember it's not really a real concern of mine.

Forgot what the other thing was for a minute but I remember now (the lady and her two kids mom moved in with us):
They haven't been here overnight for the past two weeks. She's been away, paying it forward; a couple of her friends are also moving, and she's been gone the whole time presumably helping them pack and transport. Which is a relief. But we never know when she's coming back, so everything has to stay the same like they're still here. So I still have all my personal bathroom stuff in my room, their bed is still made up in the other bedroom (using my mattress), and mom still has a lot of things in the upstair hallway stacked up in front of the mattress that was supposed to go in my room at some point, so I'm still sleeping on a boxspring with 2 blankets on it so it's not so hard. 
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